It has been my dream for so long. It was my safe place. My retreat when the world was rough. That thing that no one could touch or take away because it was solely mine. It was what gave me joy. Thrills and giddiness. It was my daydream. Number one on my wish list.
It was photography.
Ever since high school, I have been in love with the art of photography. Sometimes people use the phrase ‘in love’ loosely to the point of demeaning what it was actually intended to convey. In honesty, I really don’t think that applies to me in this case. My passion for photography was not small or flighty. Not a passing hobby or a fleeting interest. It was a dream. Being a painfully sentimental person as well as a creative-minded individual, photography fit me like a glove. Story-telling is one of the most powerful forms of communication. People, REAL people, make the greatest vessels of that communication. And life…well life, REAL life, is the best story worth telling.
Having been dreaming of being a photographer since I was a teenager and only dabbling in it a bit, I finally got my chance about 3 and a half years ago…by the grace of God. I overcame my fears of failure, clung to the hope of my passion and bought my first dSLR. It was a wild journey at first. I’d find myself coming home from work and staying up until the wee hours of the morning editing away. No matter how much sleep I was losing…I was more than content. My dream was finally becoming a reality.
Fast forward those three years and I find myself in a completely different spot. Oh, I may still edit until the wee hours of the night, but I own my own business. A business that, by the grace of God, has been blessed beyond my wildest imagination. My ‘To Do’ list is longer than I care to admit and the pit in my stomach a constant reminder that there is more to do. My ‘safe place’ has become my office which unfortunately doesn’t feel as ‘safe.’ What was ‘solely mine’ has become weighted down by my own expectation to please and succeed.
Over the past six months I have wrestled with what to do when your hobby becomes your job. How to handle it when your ‘thing’ that gives you retreat becomes something you need a retreat from. By the provision of the Lord, this year of my business has been so incredibly blessed and kept me BUSY. While I still love what I do, and I really do, it can no longer be my get away. It cannot be my safe place because it is my every day place. This has been a hard transition and one that I am still navigating. I have found myself needing a retreat from my ‘retreat’ and in a strange way, it has left me with a bit of an identity crisis…and that’s when I realized it.
Somewhere in the course of those three years, photography had not only become my safe place and my passion, but I had begun to confuse it with WHO I was. I am Mary, the photographer. That’s what I had in my head anyway. Having to come face to face with this in the last few months, I have been challenged in a new way. You see, I adore photography. It is still to this day one of my greatest passions. But, it does not define me. It is not WHO I am. It is one way that God has gifted me and allowed me to see His beauty…through the eyes of a lens. My purpose, though, is not photography and what gives me worth well… it is not photography. Recognizing this has freed me to let go. Let go of the need to make photography and my business my all in all for it will always disappoint.
Grateful today to be reminded that I, unlike many others, get to go to work and do something I love. More grateful, though, that God has given me a gift in photography, but my passion and my purpose lay only in Him. That, in and of itself, gives me joy as I pick up my camera.
Happy Monday!
*If you find yourself grieving over the loss of a passion turned ‘job,’ I hope you will remember that it does not define you nor give you purpose.
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Amen!